I know a lot of things are said of and about me. I know a lot things about me are assumed. I know of all the sarcasm directed to me, directly or indirectly.

I’ve been trying to be happy. I really did and I really am. Circumstances are, unfortunately, not always on the optimistic side of the footpath. I know we tried. I know I’ve tried. Perhaps not trying is the ultimate solution. It’s too late to change the indifference now. Perhaps I must quit something in order to gain another thing. Tonight, I tore up parts of a diary I kept. Just bits of pieces from 2000 onwards. There’s this feeling of relief burying the past. Closing a chapter and opening another.

With a whisky and coke in hand, I wanted some assurance. A divine assurance of some sort. Some sort of intervention I’ve not sought for a while now. With a whisky and coke in hand, I drew a couple of one answer cards. Then, I did what I usually do; past, present and future. No questions this time. Come what may. Que sera sera.

The present and future cards look optimistically bright. I hope I will finally know what to do. I want to be the maverick that I’ve always wanted to be.

ps: Sorting out bits & pieces, I found my astrological cut-out I kept at the beginning of the year. In the piece, a motto of Benjamin Disraeli was quoted: If you wait long enougn, everything comes.. I certainly hope so.